then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
