goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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