It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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