so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
