just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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