I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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