So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
