Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
