Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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