all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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