friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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