I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
