Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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