i don't like sucking hair
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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