Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
