Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
