i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
