i don't like sucking hair
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
