so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
They have beer where we have blood.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.