He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
