Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
