the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
