its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
