I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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