Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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