Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
