I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
