believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
