In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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