I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
