Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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