why didn't you poke me back
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
