my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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