So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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