i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize