It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
