seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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