just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
