I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
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It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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