do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
