There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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