Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
