we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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