i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
