Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
