Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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