I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
