I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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