brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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