I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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