I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
