i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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