Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
