Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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