if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
