we have officially lost it.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
